


Things Left Unsaid

by luciferrising_inthetardis



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Anxiety, Blood, Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Claustrophobia, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, POV Remus Lupin, Serious Injuries, Spiders, archeology au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:02:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25891789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luciferrising_inthetardis/pseuds/luciferrising_inthetardis
Summary: Remus flies out to visit Sirius at his new job, a job Sirius accepted without informing Remus. As Remus tries to understand Sirius' decision, and where he fits into Sirius' new life, tension grows between them until it all comes crashing down.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 54
Collections: Wolfstar Hurt Fest





	Things Left Unsaid

Sirius was waiting for him at the baggage claim with a nervous grin on his face and a handwritten sign that said ‘Moony’ in large block letters. Remus’ plane had landed a few minutes ago, so he still had time to pull himself together before reuniting with his boyfriend of almost 2 years.

Remus shuffled nervously towards the exit as he remembered the fight they’d had several months ago when Sirius had announced his acceptance as an archeological sciences intern at a dig site in the Amazon. Although Remus had eventually come around to the idea of Sirius living and working on an entirely different continent, the move, as well as Sirius’ acceptance of the position without consulting Remus, had changed their relationship in some fundamental way, creating distance where there had previously been none. Though he hoped this trip would bring them closer together, Remus couldn’t shake the worry that this trip would only serve to bring that tension to new heights.

As he pulled himself from his musings, Remus saw a familiar head of dark, glossy hair in the gaps between the moving crowd of passengers looking for their luggage. Sirius smiled excitedly at him as their eyes met across the room. For a moment, all of his worries about the coming week were forgotten as he and Sirius met in a passionate embrace, sharing a quick kiss as Sirius reached out and grabbed one of Remus’ bags from him.

“You’ve gotten tan,” Remus began with a smile, “I was beginning to think that was impossible.”

“You and me both,” Sirius joked, “turns out all it took was eight hours a day of direct sunlight.”

Remus laughed, eyes crinkling a bit at the corners, head tilted back slightly. Sirius was watching him affectionately, a small smile just turning up the edges of his lips. They walked out to the parking lot together, Remus catching Sirius up on his, James, and Peter’s lives as they walked. “Peter finally perfected that baklava he’s been working on since sophomore year. It’s damn near the best thing I’ve ever eaten, though James might beg to differ,” he said with another laugh. Sirius’ hair looked almost shiny in the bright light of the afternoon sun, and Remus had to force his gaze away as they approached Sirius’ jeep.

Sirius loaded Remus’ bags into the backseat and they began the drive back towards the dig site. Sirius had offered to get a hotel room for the week, but Remus had insisted on staying in Sirius’ small trailer at the dig site, saying he wanted to experience what Sirius’ life had been like the past few months. It wasn’t an outright lie, he did want to know what Sirius’ life was like out here, but he also wanted to meet the people Sirius worked with, wanted to know what his competition was like.

As they drove, silence settled between them, and the longer they both went without talking, the harder it seemed to be to start.

“So,” Remus started, his words shattering the silence growing between them, “do you like it out here? Is it everything you wanted it to be?” The question was straightforward enough, and Remus wondered if his boyfriend could hear the implications hidden underneath.  _ Do you miss me? Do you think about me at all? Do you think about coming home, or is this your home now? _

“It’s been amazing! The dig team is like one big family. Still, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss you. I wish you were done with school, it would’ve been amazing to come out here together.”

Remus didn’t respond for a moment. He still had another year left before he was finished with his art degree, and long-distance was wearing on both of them.

“Would it have mattered if I was done with school? You still would have jumped at the opportunity—still would’ve come out here either way.” Remus couldn’t catch the words before they had left his mouth, and his body tensed slightly as he realized what he had said. “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to start a fight.”

“It’s alright,” Sirius said in a more subdued tone, “I understand.” The silence began to grow again, creeping into the space between them like vines climbing a wall. Remus couldn’t help but wonder how things might have gone if he hadn’t taken that gap year, putting himself a year behind Sirius in school, or if Sirius hadn’t finished his degree in 3 years instead of 4. He wondered what it would have been like to graduate together.

“Let’s not talk about this right now,” Remus said after a moment of silence, “this week is meant to be fun, let’s not focus on the past.”

That was how it always went: one of them would pick an argument impulsively only to abandon it a few words in—afraid of ruining whatever fragile harmony they had found since the last fight. Remus could see the chasm stretching before them, filled with every word left unsaid.

It hadn’t always been this way between them; they seldom fought before. Little arguments here and there, sure, but those were easily resolved. Even when Sirius had accidentally ruined a week's worth of Remus’ work they had been able to move past it without ever once raising their voices. Now, it seemed as if they could hardly get through one conversation.

Sirius let out a slow breath as they turned onto a narrow dirt road. The road, which seemed to stretch farther than the eye could see, was bordered by forests on either side. The trees had to stand at least three stories tall, foliage and vines flowing down from the branches to hang at eye level. As they continued down the road, they passed a wooden signpost announcing their arrival at the dig site. A few hundred feet ahead, Remus could make out a few trailers.

“Those trailers are where the dig team sleeps,” Sirius informed him as he pulled the jeep off to the side of the road, parking it behind several other identical vehicles.

“How many people live here?” Remus asked, taking in the semicircle of mobile homes about a quarter mile up the road. They reminded him of the temporary trailers often erected at construction sites, though perhaps slightly larger.

Sirius handed Remus one of the bags from the trunk and slung the other over his shoulder. “Right now there are about 10 of us, but if we keep finding artifacts at the rate we currently are, that number could as much as double.”

They stopped at the base of the leftmost trailer, a sign on the door announcing that the occupants were S. Black and F. Longbottom. “My roommate graciously agreed to bunk with someone else this week so that we could have the trailer to ourselves.” Sirius unlocked the door and led Remus inside. They entered into a common area with 2 desks and paperwork spread across every surface.

“This is where we do our field reports and other administrative tasks,” Sirius explained. ”There are two bedrooms, one on each end of the trailer. This one here is mine.” He gestured to a door on the left-hand side of the trailer, the name ‘Sirius’ engraved on a small plaque mounted three-quarters of the way up by what appeared to be a pair of adhesive strips. Behind the door was a small room containing a full-sized cot and a small wardrobe. “It’s not very large, but we hardly spend any time in the trailers as it is.” He led Remus to the second room across the trailer. “You can stay here for the week. The bathroom is just over there.” He led Remus to a door towards the back of the trailer which contained a toilet, sink, and what could be a real contender for the world’s smallest shower.

“Well, at least I can take some satisfaction in knowing that you aren’t living it up out here while I live in the crappy dorms back home,” Remus said good-humoredly, looking over a pile of maps spread over one of the desks.

Sirius chuckled at this, some of the tension between them seeming to ebb away, if only for the moment. “So, I was thinking I could introduce you to some of the dig team if you’re up for it. They should be finishing up for the day. Or, if you’d prefer, we could go into town and scrounge up some food.”

“I don’t see why we can’t squeeze in both,” Remus said with a soft smile. He felt a flurry of excitement, like bees swarming inside him, at the prospect of getting to meet the rest of Sirius’ team.

Sirius grinned and led them out of the trailer and down a narrow dirt path towards a large tent set between two mahogany trees. “This is the base of operations,” Sirius said as they approached the tent. “Everything that happens on this site is recorded, cataloged, and stored here. It’s also where the supervisor works. We report here every morning before we start work and every evening when we’ve finished for the day.”

Inside the tent was a large table with a map flattened across the surface, pins of various colors sticking out of it in no discernable pattern. File cabinets lined the back wall and equipment was piled on top of every available surface. Off to the side was an area sectioned off by a tarp that hung down from the roof of the tent.

“Boss, you in here?” Sirius called out in the direction of said tarp. A moment later an older looking woman stepped out from behind the tarp. Her hair was pulled up into a sleek bun and she wore a pair of round glasses that pulled Remus’ focus directly towards her deep blue eyes.

“Good afternoon Sirius, I didn’t think I’d be seeing you today,” the woman said with a kind smile.

“Ah, yeah, I figured I’d introduce Remus to some of the team before we head out for the evening,” Sirius said. Turning to Remus he continued, “Remus, this is our site supervisor Minerva McGonagall,” he turned toward Minerva, “McG, this is my boyfriend Remus.”

Minerva looked Remus up and down before crossing the tent to offer him a handshake. “It is a pleasure to meet you, Remus, it’s nice to finally have a face to put to the name.” Remus could feel a blush creep across his cheeks at the implication that Sirius had mentioned Remus to the team.

“It’s nice to meet you too. I hope this one doesn’t cause too much trouble, though knowing him I’m sure he has,” Remus joked, gesturing towards Sirius.

“Well, he certainly does keep me on my toes,” she smiled, “because of him I’ve had to impose entirely new safety protocols.” Despite the jab, Remus could hear the apparent affection for Sirius in the older woman’s voice.

“Ah yes, he does seem to have a talent for turning mundane tasks into dangerous feats.”

They spent the next quarter-hour catching up with McGonagall, pausing their conversation at the sound of new voices coming from somewhere outside the tent.

“They must be coming in for the day,” Sirius announced, looking down at his wristwatch.

Sirius had only just finished his sentence when two girls entered the tent, talking animatedly with each other. Their conversation slowly died off as their eyes landed on Remus and Sirius. “Hey, you must be Remus!” the blonde girl exclaimed, bounding over to offer him her hand. “I’m Marlene and this is Dorcas, we’ve heard a lot about you.” She flashed Remus a warm smile as the other girl, a dark-skinned brunette, also came over to offer Remus a handshake.

“It’s nice to finally meet some of the people Sirius works with,” Remus responded politely, shaking both girls’ hands.

They spoke with each other for a few more minutes, after which Remus politely indicated that he was famished. They said their goodbyes to the three women and walked out of the tent hand in hand, Sirius swinging their arms slightly the way he often did when he was in a good mood.

“They seem rather nice, I’m glad you brought me over to introduce me.”

“Yeah, they’re great! You’ll have to meet the others soon, they’re all excited to meet you. Especially my roommate, Frank. I may or may not go on about you during fieldwork.” As he spoke, Remus noticed a blush begin to creep across Sirius’ face. A familiar warmth filled him at the knowledge that Sirius mentioned him enough for his coworkers to be excited about meeting him.

“So, shall we get some dinner?” Remus asked. Sirius nodded and started back towards the line of cars at the site entrance. The two piled into the same jeep Sirius had picked Remus up from the airport in and headed in the direction of the nearest town, which Sirius informed him was about a fifteen minute drive from the dig site.

“I thought you guys would be farther away from civilization,” Remus half-joked as the town came into view. They had spent most of the ride in comfortable silence, Remus taking in the view as they traveled down a road running parallel to the jungle’s edge.

“I assumed the same thing before I came out here. As it turns out, our dig site isn’t that far from the border of the rainforest and, since the Amazon is a popular tourist attraction, there are several towns just outside the treeline.”

Sirius parked the jeep in the first open spot they came across, which was located at the very edges of what looked to be a small, but rather cute, downtown area. “As I said, these towns are big tourist attractions, so you can’t afford to be picky when it comes to parking.”

As they walked through the town, Remus allowed himself to admire the shops along the main strip, many of them containing large selections of handmade wares. Sirius, who had a longer stride and quicker walking pace than Remus, slowed his steps as Remus came to a stop in front of one of the windows, admiring the handcrafted garment inside the shop. He marveled at the clothes for a few moments before continuing on, Sirius falling into step beside him. Eventually, Sirius turned left down a wide alley lined with outdoor seating on both sides, Remus following close behind.

The alley was longer than it looked at first glance, and they finally came to a stop in front of what appeared to be a seafood restaurant. Sirius asked the host to seat them at an outdoor table and he happily led them to a fairly empty section off to the side.

“Everything on this menu is great, my roommate, Frank, and I come here sometimes after particularly grueling days,” Sirius informed him as Remus began perusing the menu that had been handed to him.

He ended up ordering the same thing as Sirius, which was unsurprising considering the two had fairly similar tastes. “So,” Sirius began after they had placed their order, “how have your classes been this semester?”

Remus launched into an artfully crafted tirade about his portraiture class and how tedious it was to sketch human beings, especially considering that most of Remus’ artwork focused on natural landscapes and included neither human nor animal. “I just don’t understand why it’s a required course when most of the people in the class couldn’t give a flying fuck about facial anatomy and expressions.”

Sirius opened his mouth to reply but was cut off by the appearance of their waiter holding two plates of food. He set the dishes down on the table with a quick warning about the plates being hot and asked the two men if there was anything else he could get them. Remus just shook his head, leaving it to Sirius to dismiss him, which he did with a kind smile.

“James wanted me to tell you that he misses you and that you need to call more,” Remus said in between bites of food.

Sirius chuckled lightly. “How is he anyway? Still pinning after that red-headed science major? What was her name again?”

“Oh, you mean Lily?” Remus supplied with a laugh. “Would you believe she finally agreed to go out with him?”

“You’re shitting me. When?”

“Just before break started. They’re set to go out sometime over the course of this week, though I couldn’t exactly glean the finer details of the date from James’ incoherent rambling.”

Sirius laughed loudly at the statement. In the months before Sirius’ move, James had made quite the habit of rambling on enthusiastically about the girl, proclaiming time and again how he would marry her one day, no matter what it took. “Good for him.”

They consumed the rest of the main course in comfortable silence, both men allowing themselves to enjoy the moment of peaceful intimacy.

“Do you miss it? Being at school with the rest of us?” Remus asked, so quietly he worried Sirius may not have heard it. Remus knew it was bordering on dangerous territory, but he couldn’t help himself. As much as he didn’t want to start a fight with Sirius, he wanted to understand where his boyfriend’s head was at. Ever since Sirius had made the decision to accept the job offer and move out here, Remus had been trying to understand his thought process and the motivations behind it. He had tried to convince himself ad nauseum not to take it personally, but it felt personal.

“Of course I miss it, Re,” Sirius began in a subdued tone, “you’re my favorite person. I miss seeing you every morning, I miss staying up with you into the early hours.”

“Really?” Remus couldn’t help the note of genuine surprise in his tone, revealing itself in the way his pitch rose. “It seems like it was such an easy decision for you.”

“It was most certainly not an easy decision,” Sirius began, looking up to meet Remus’ eyes, “moving away from you is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

“Yes, that’s quite apparent in the way you consulted me before making your decision,” Remus sneered. In the span of a moment, he regretted his defensiveness. In a more cautious tone, he asked, “Why didn’t you talk to me?”

Though Remus tried to keep the hurt from his voice, he knew Sirius would be able to detect it in the crease of his forehead and the slight downturn of his lip. 

“It’s . . . complicated,” Sirius sighed. The words sounded meaningless, hollow.

“It didn’t have to be,” Remus said, voice deflating. No matter how hard he tried, this was the one wall he couldn’t break through. When they first started dating they had been so in sync, but lately, it felt as if Sirius’ mind was worlds away. Part of Remus worried that it was him—that Sirius had grown bored with him and just hadn’t realized it yet.

Sirius paid the cheque and the two of them walked in tense silence back towards the car, which now seemed miles away. The streets between might as well have been a minefield, and one wrong word would set off the next bomb.

Remus fought the urge to apologize for the entire ride back to the camp, though he wasn’t even sure what he felt he should be apologizing for.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius said eventually, breaking the silence and catching Remus off guard. He didn’t elaborate, and as the silence continued, a new sort of tension filled the air. Where before the air was heavy, charged with restless electricity, now there was only weight, all the energy and fight long gone. Despite his mixed emotions, Remus reached across the jeep to take hold of the hand sitting on Sirius’ thigh. The silence continued until they parked the car on the same dirt road as before and walked back to the trailer, only breaking once they were back inside the trailer.

“You can use the bathroom first,” Sirius said, his voice tentative.

“Alright,” Remus responded, giving Sirius a small smile as he headed toward his room for the week. As he unpacked his bag and pulled out a pair of pajamas, he could only hope that the rest of the week would be better.

\---

When Remus woke the next morning it was to the smell of burning wood and bacon grease. A glance at his wristwatch told him it was half-past six in the morning. He turned over, intending to fall back asleep, but changed his mind when he heard the water running in the bathroom, indicating that Sirius must be awake.

He slipped on a pair of sweats and walked out into the main trailer. The bathroom door had been left slightly ajar, and Remus could just make out the edges of Sirius’ face reflected in the bathroom mirror.

“Good morning,” he said quietly, coming to stand just outside the bathroom door.

“Hey,” Sirius responded, his voice light, “how did you sleep?”

“Not too badly,” he said. Then, after a moment, “do you always get up this early?”

“My dear Remus,” Sirius began in a playful tone, “would you believe me if I told you that this is considered a late start?”

“Absolutely not.”

“While that is fair, it is nonetheless true,” he said with a chuckle. “Today is our designated one day off a week, otherwise known as ‘the only day we don’t have to be up at five.’”

“Geez, I remember a time when five in the morning was your bedtime. I can’t imagine you waking up that early on a regular basis.”

Sirius laughed as he finished in the bathroom, Remus taking his place as Sirius headed back towards his room, presumably to change. Once they were both ready, Sirius led them from the trailer and off to a grove of trees off to the side of the trailers. There, the other members of the dig team had gotten a fire going and were cooking up eggs and bacon for breakfast.

“Good morning, boys!” Marlene called as they approached the gathered circle of hungry archeologists. “You’re just in time for breakfast.”

As she spoke, a muscular boy with rich dark skin began passing out plates piled with scrambled eggs and strips of bacon. Sirius introduced the boy as Kingsley. He then proceeded to introduce Remus to the other unfamiliar faces in the circle as they found seats and began eating their food.

“What are you all up to today?” Sirius asked as the others received their plates and began eating as well.

“Marlene and I are going on a shopping date in town,” Dorcas informed him.

“We tried to convince McGonagall to come but she brushed us off, said she was looking forward to a quiet day on her own. Guess she gets enough of us during work hours,” Marlene added around a mouthful of eggs.

“A few of us are planning on going down to the waterfall,” a lanky, soft-faced brunette—Sirius’ roommate Frank, if Remus recalled correctly—said excitedly, “it’s meant to be a scorcher today, perfect for a swim.”

“Sounds like fun!” Sirius glanced up to meet Remus’ eyes, the suggestion there easily readable, even from across the fire.

Remus nodded just as Sirius began to speak, “mind if we join you? I was planning on taking Remus by the falls anyway.”

“Not at all, the more the merrier!” Kingsley proclaimed.

“We’re planning to head out around 9 am, so be ready by then or get left behind,” Frank warned as he made his way back towards the trailers, shooting Sirius a knowing grin as he went.

The conversation around the circle shifted from small talk to work, specifically the mysterious artifact they had unearthed last week and its implications for the rest of the dig. The group carried on until just after eight, at which time everyone began to head back to their trailers to get dressed for the various activities they had planned.

“Everyone here seems so nice,” Remus observed as he and Sirius changed into acceptable swimming attire.

“Yeah, they’re better than I could’ve hoped for,” Sirius replied, rooting around in his wardrobe for the only pair of swim trunks he owned, “I’m not sure I could’ve survived out here without them.”

The words struck a nerve with Remus, one he hadn’t known about before. On the one hand, he was happy that Sirius had such a close community here, but on the other, he couldn’t help but feel slightly jealous. He had been so worried about whether or not Sirius missed him that he hadn’t considered the fact that missing someone and needing them were two very different things. He tried not to dwell on the negative thoughts, however, as he and Sirius exited the trailer and made their way over to the line of jeeps. Kingsley, Frank, Alice, and Mary were already situated in one of the vehicles.

“You boys ready to go?” Mary asked with a sweet smile, handing Sirius a bottle of sunscreen. The two boys hopped into the backseat, spreading sunscreen across their skin—and aiding each other with the hard to reach spots—as the vehicle made its way farther into the jungle.

The drive took about 20 minutes, all of them filled with the sounds of camaraderie and raucous laughter, often at the expense of one member of the group or another.

It wasn’t long before Remus felt himself beginning to relax, easily fitting into the group’s dynamic. In truth, they reminded him quite a bit of his first two years of college, when he would spend most of his weekends with James, Peter, and, of course, Sirius.

As they filed out of the jeep, Remus took in the stunning sight of the falls. The water fell in a smooth curtain from lush green cliffs looming above them and collected in a large basin not far from where they had parked.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Sirius asked as Remus stared, mouth slightly agape.

“Like nothing I’ve ever seen.”

They were slowly making their way to the edge of the water, Remus still admiring the view, when suddenly they were hit with a wave of cool water. Remus whipped his head to the side to see Kingsley laughing good-naturedly. The sandy-haired boy promptly jumped in, aiming just to the left of Kingsley. The impact of his body hitting the water created a large splash that doused the other boy. The situation quickly escalated from there, turning into a full-on splash fight that lasted well into the late morning.

Afterward, they all spread out towels on the rocky shore as Alice and Mary went back to the jeep to collect the lunch they had so kindly packed for everyone, correctly assuming that none of the boys had thought that far ahead.

“It’s days like these that I wonder what we would do without you ladies,” Sirius joked as he helped Alice pass out sandwiches in little baggies.

“You’d starve,” she said, completely stone-faced. This garnered a snort from a few of the boys and an outright chuckle from Remus himself.

As they ate, the conversation drifted away from playful jabs, the group choosing instead to regale Remus with some of their favorite anecdotes.

“Can’t forget about the time Sirius gave himself a concussion because he refused to turn any lights on whilst going to the bathroom in the middle of the night, for fear of it ruining his ‘sleeping vibe’ as he put it,” Frank was saying, the others laughing along.

“What happened?” Remus asked curiously.

“Damn fool tripped over his own shoes. Mind you, I had warned him several times not to leave his shoes in the middle of the room.”

“Yeah, that sounds like Sirius alright,” Remus chuckled, leaning over to place a sympathetic hand on Sirius’ thigh.

“Don’t I know it, too,” Frank said with a smirk. “I’ve had to patch this fool up more times than I can count over the last month alone.” Frank shot Sirius a knowing grin, which Sirius returned. Remus couldn’t quite understand it, but the exchange stirred up feelings of unease within him. He smiled tightly and began picking at the skin around his thumbnail.

The conversation continued for several hours, only stopping when Mary suggested they pack up and head back as the sun would be setting soon. Remus folded his and Sirius’ towels and stuffed them both back into his bag just as Sirius came up behind him. “Here, I picked this for you,” Sirius whispered with a sheepish smile, holding out a beautiful orchid blossom.

“Well, aren’t you sweet,” Remus said, taking the flower delicately from Sirius’ hand and leaning forward ever so slightly to place a brief heartfelt kiss upon his boyfriend’s lips. When they broke apart Sirius took Remus’ hand in his and they walked together back towards the jeep and the others.

“Today was nice,” Remus said after a few silent minutes, his earlier discomfort momentarily forgotten, “I’m glad you convinced me to come out here and visit you.”

“Me too.”

\---

The next morning began in much the same way as the first, albeit at five in the morning instead of half-past six. “You really weren’t joking yesterday,” Remus observed quietly as he got dressed.

“I told you I wasn’t,” Sirius replied in mock offense. “Don’t worry, as soon as they head out for the day you and I can come back here and have a nice long nap.”   


“I’d like that.”

At breakfast that morning, Sirius informed the members of his team that it would likely be the last breakfast he and Remus joined them for. “Remus is not accustomed to rising before the sun, you see,” he explained, shooting an infuriatingly attractive smirk in Remus’ direction.

There wasn’t nearly as much conversation this morning, save for a few comments from various members of the dig team about what the day’s work would entail.

It would seem that, although they had grown used to it, Sirius and his coworkers didn’t actually enjoy being up this early any more than Remus did. Though he knew he shouldn’t, Remus took some small satisfaction in knowing this.

Soon enough, people began peeling off from the group, slowly making their way down to the main tent. As he watched them go, Remus found himself looking forward to that nap Sirius had promised.

“So,” Sirius began as they walked back towards the trailer, “ I was thinking we go back and have a good nap, and then this afternoon we could head out into the rainforest. There’s a cool cave system not too far from here that I’m dying to show you. It’s centuries-old and we’ve already mapped a fair bit of it,” as he spoke, an infectious enthusiasm began to take over the natural cadence of Sirius’ voice, and Remus found himself quickly being caught up in the same excited energy.

By the time Remus finally awoke from his nap, Sirius was already sitting in the middle of the trailer surrounded by a pile of supplies, dividing them up and packing them into two backpacks.

“Hey,” he began, not looking up, “I hope you had a good nap because we’ve got a long day ahead of us.”

Remus walked over to the pile of supplies Sirius was currently shoving into two backpacks. “That’s a lot of water for a day trip,” he said, motioning to the six large bottles lined up on the floor waiting to be packed.

“Better safe than sorry,” Sirius said with a lopsided grin, “you can never be too hydrated.”

“That’s not strictly true,” Remus began, “technically speaking it is possible to drink so much water that you drown internally.”

“I don’t think three bottles is enough to flood your insides, but I’ll keep that in mind.”

“So, where is this cave anyway?”

“It’s about ten miles give or take, but the road goes almost directly to the entrance so we won’t have to hike that far.” As Sirius spoke, he shoved the last of the supplies into the backpacks and zipped them shut, handing one to Remus. “It gets pretty cool inside the cave, so I recommend bringing a jacket as well as some extra socks.”

“Why extra socks?” Remus asked curiously, already walking back towards his room.

“Because I know how cold your feet get,” Sirius said in exasperation, “and also because caves have a tendency to be damp and no one likes wet socks.”

“Fair enough.” Remus grabbed two extra pairs of socks and his warmest hoodie and met Sirius at the door, walking with him to the stand of jeeps.

They threw both backpacks into the trunk of the vehicle and piled in, spending most of the drive in comfortable silence as Remus once again took the opportunity to enjoy the amazing views that the jungle had to offer.

The road was uneven and bumpy, causing the drive to last quite a bit longer than Remus had anticipated, though he wasn’t complaining. He caught movement out of the corner of his eye and turned his head to see a few tamarin monkeys launching themselves from one branch to another.

“We don’t come out to this site all that often,” Sirius told him as they drew closer to their destination. “The only people who come out with any regularity are me, Minerva, and Frank. Frank and I were tasked with mapping the cave system, so we spend one day a week out here from dawn till dusk. Every so often we have the pleasure of being accompanied by Minerva. According to her, Frank and I are walking time bombs and she finds it hard to trust us alone in the cave together for fear we may do something stupid or reckless.”

“Wise woman,” Remus chuckled.

Sirius brought the car to a slow stop a few thousand feet from the cave entrance, pulling off to the side of the road and putting the transmission in park.

Sirius got out of the car and walked around to Remus’ side, handing him one of the packs, and they began to make their way to the entrance of the cave, Sirius offering Remus his hand.

The opening of the cave was not quite as tall as either boy and took on a somewhat steep incline into a large cavern. Sirius went in first, making it through the entrance in one fluid motion with the confidence of someone who had entered the cave dozens of times. Once his feet hit flat ground, he stretched a hand up to help Remus. To his credit, Remus also made it through the entrance without losing his footing, though he was much less graceful about it than Sirius had been.

Remus took a moment to look around and was surprised to find that they were in a rather large cavern, several passageways branching off in different directions. Sirius reached into his pack and pulled out a large flashlight and a folded piece of paper which he began to spread out.

“What’s that?” Remus asked, coming to peer at the paper over Sirius’ shoulder.

“This-” Sirius finished unfolding the paper and held it up so Remus could see “is a crude, shorthand map of the cave system, or at least the parts of it that have been explored. Frank and I drew it as a quick reference guide.”

The map was indeed crude, the ‘cave’ itself represented by a series of interconnected lines, symbols and abbreviations appearing in seemingly random places along them. Remus could make neither heads nor tails of any of it.

“This passage here is the longest,” Sirius informed Remus as he led him toward a narrow corridor that branched off the main cavern and headed north. “If we follow this tunnel it will take us to my favorite spot in the entire cave.”

“Let’s do it,” Remus said, shooting Sirius an excited smile.

The taller boy turned on his flashlight and headed down the passage, Remus following close behind, fiddling with his pack as they walked in an attempt to locate the flashlight Sirius had packed him.

“There’s a narrow stretch coming up in about five hundred feet,” Sirius informed him just as he managed to find his flashlight.

“More narrow than this?” Remus asked in disbelief.

Sirius chuckled and turned back to glance at Remus, “Good thing neither of us is claustrophobic.”

The walls of the tunnel narrowed, slowly creeping towards each other until the space was so small Remus had to turn sideways to fit between them. Every few feet they would part only to come together again, like waves crashing against the shore only to pull away and retreat back into the sea.

Remus found himself bending and weaving through them, following the serpentine flow of their path.

“The first time we explored this passage Frank got stuck between the walls,” Sirius said with a laugh, “and, unlike you or I, he is claustrophobic.”

“How did he get stuck? The man’s a bean pole,” Remus quipped, his tone taking on a harder edge than he had intended, as he bent his body to fit through a particularly narrow gap.

“Well, he insisted his shoulders couldn’t fit through the gap, but the truth was that he had worked himself up so much that he froze. It took me the better part of an hour to calm him down and coax him out,” Sirius explained, his tone rich and warm with the apparent fondness he felt for his roommate.

“You two seem to spend a lot of time caring for each other,” Remus grumbled, chewing on his lower lip in irritation. Sirius raised an eyebrow at his sharp tone, but rather than address his feelings Remus decided to change the subject.

“How long is this section?” Remus felt as if they had been bending and contorting themselves through the passage for quite a while but there seemed to be no end in sight.

“Shouldn’t be too far now,” Sirius assured him.

Sure enough, they soon found themselves standing before a small opening. A glance through the hole revealed a spacious cavern on the other side. “Last one,” Sirius informed him, swinging one leg through the hole and crouching his body through in much the same way one might slip between two rails of a fence.

Remus followed suit, pulling his body into the cavern and stretching out. He shook out his arms, which were stiff from contortion.

“What’s so great about this cavern? Looks the same as the first one to me.”

“Well, my dear Remus,” Sirius began with a smile, his tone indicating that he was about to launch into a long-winded story, “after I finally lured Frank out of the tunnel, we stumbled through that entrance there into this area of the cave. We were tired, and Frank was more than a little shaken up, so we sat down right here and just took a moment. Felt like hours, just sitting in silence, then Frank suddenly decides to get up, says we need to find a new way out of here because there’s no way he’s going back through that passage. So, I get up and we start making our way around the cave walls looking for another entrance.”

As Sirius is telling the story, Remus again detects a familiar note of fondness in his voice. Something dark and twisted rears its head within him and he swallows it down, the bitter taste of jealousy—because he had finally realized that he was, in fact, jealous—burying itself deep within him as he tried to listen to the rest of Sirius’ tale. The dark-haired boy had drifted off track, devolving into a rant about Frank’s clumsiness. Remus cleared his throat awkwardly.

“Right, sorry, bit off-topic.” Sirius rolled his shoulders and began making his way towards one of the cave walls. “Eventually, we make it to this wall. Frank’s light hits it and,” Sirius aimed his light at the wall but, rather than a solid rock face, the light landed on a large cluster of crystals. The crystals bent the light, shattering it into hundreds of light fragments that bounced and scattered across the entire cavern.

“Wow,” Remus breathes, unable to find the words to describe the sheer beauty of it all.

“Phenomenal, isn’t it?” Sirius asked, his voice filled with warmth and joy.

“Too beautiful for words,” Remus responded. He felt a sense of calm wash over him, a peaceful trance brought on by the serenity of the crystals. He found himself unable to pull his eyes from the light show playing across the walls that surrounded them.

“Rather romantic, in my opinion,” Sirius whispers, his tone suggestive.

Suddenly, Remus snapped out of whatever peaceful moment he had been trapped in. “Romantic?” He repeated, his sudden anger catching Sirius off guard.

Sirius turned and met Remus’ gaze. His eyebrows knit together in confusion, though he didn’t say anything.

“I’m sure you did find it romantic, standing in this room with Frank.” As he said Frank’s name, Remus’ face scrunched as if he had just eaten something bitter.

“Remus, I… I don’t understand what you’re trying to say,” Sirius said, his tone taking on a measure of concern as he stepped forward and closed the gap between them. Remus peered into Sirius’ eyes and took in the worry and confusion.

Seeing Sirius’ genuine concern Remus felt his anger begin to deflate. “Nothing-”

“It’s not nothing, Re. What’s going on with you? You’ve been off ever since the falls yesterday, and I want to understand why.”

Before Remus could answer, the ground beneath his feet began to shift ever so slightly. “What is this?” Every emotion Remus had been feeling leading up to this moment disappeared, drowned out by the compounding ripples of fear radiating inside him as the vibrations beneath his feet grew more intense.

Sirius was already on the move. “Stay here,” he said as he slipped back through the hole they had used to enter the cavern, “it’s probably just a minor tremor.”

Just as Sirius disappeared through the hole the movement beneath Remus’ feet intensified, this time accompanied by the sound of stone grinding against stone. Several crashes echoed through the tunnels and Remus took off towards the entrance. He had nearly reached the hole when Sirius practically leapt back through it, nearly tumbling right into Remus. “Stick to the walls,” Sirius instructed, grabbing his boyfriend’s hand and pulling him back towards the wall of the cavern. He pulled Remus into a tight embrace as the world around them shifted and changed, cracks inching their way up the walls in a thunderous cacophony of noise as Remus pinched his eyes shut, his teeth grinding together involuntarily. He vaguely registered a crash but didn’t dare open his eyes to locate the source of the sound.

And then, as suddenly as the world had come alive, it quieted again. The silence that followed was deafening, and Remus’ attention was drawn to an acute pain shooting off from his left palm where he had dug his nails so deeply into the skin that he had torn it open.

“It’s alright, Re,” Sirius assured him as he pulled away. “It’s over.”

“What. . . what was that?” Remus asked—unable to hide the shaking of his hands, the rapid beating of his heart.

“This cave sits between several minor fault lines. They haven’t been active in decades, just a minor tremor here and there, never a serious quake. Luckily, caves tend to experience less damage than structures on the ground level.”

“We should get back to camp, right?” Remus asked. Adrenaline was still coursing through his veins, making it hard to think.

“We should. . .” Sirius began, trailing off for a moment.

“But?”

“We can’t.” Remus tensed at the statement, his dissipating fear coming back in waves.

“Why the hell not?”

“The passage we used to get here is blocked. A big chunk of limestone fell from the ceiling, wedged between the walls of the narrow section.”

“Didn’t you and Frank ever find another passage out?” Remus asked desperately.

“No, this cavern is a dead end,” Sirius responded. Remus flinched at the statement and Sirius looked over at him apologetically. “Sorry, poor choice of words.”

“So what you’re saying is that we’re stuck down here?”

“We’ll be alright,” Sirius assured him, “they had to have felt that quake back at camp and if we don’t check in by morning they’ll come looking for us. We have plenty of water to last until then, as well as some energy bars and first aid supplies,” he said, carefully taking hold of Remus’ hand, inspecting the blood-smeared cuts on his palm.

Without a word Sirius began to rummage around in his pack, pulling out a small white box with a red cross on it. “Do you want me to clean these, or would you rather do it yourself?” Sirius asked calmly. Remus had always been weird about being taken care of, preferring to tend to his own wounds rather than let others help. Sirius had always been the exception to this rule.

“Can you do it?”

“Of course,” Sirius replied, ripping open a small square package containing antiseptic wipes. He slowly and carefully began to clean the blood and grime off of Remus’ palm, wrapping it in a clean bandage when he was done.

Sirius stayed next to Remus, the two of them sitting in silence until, finally having regained a sense of composure, Remus began to speak, “how will they know where to look for us?”

“Frank will know, he’ll tell the others,” Sirius responded with confidence.

“How?” Remus pressed.

“He knew I planned to bring you here. He’ll come looking for us.”

“He’ll come looking for  _ you _ ,” Remus emphasized, a familiar bitter taste working itself up into his throat. Sirius looked at him curiously, head tilted to the side, one eyebrow raised.

“Don’t give me that look,” Remus snapped, becoming more irritated at Sirius’ feigned innocence.

“What look?” The sincerity in Sirius’ voice was enough to send Remus over the edge.

“That look that suggests you have no idea what I’m talking about!”

“Remus, I don’t understa—”

“You like him, don’t you? I see the way you look at him—the same way he looks at you. I hear the fondness in your voice whenever you tell stories about him!” Remus’ eyes burned as they began to fill with tears, salty and bitter and heartbroken all at once.

“Remus, how can you . . . do you really think that?” Sirius had grown quiet, his eyes boring into Remus, silently begging him to calm down. “Frank is a friend,  _ just  _ a friend. We’re close because we live together and we spend a lot of time together, but he’s nothing more than that.”

“Maybe not yet —” Remus said quietly, his anger deflating quickly as sadness rose from the depths to take its place, “—but that’s exactly how we were before we started dating. We spent all of our free time together. It took months of constantly seeing each other for us to realize how we felt. Hell, we lived together before we started dating, too! Maybe that’s what’s happening here. I mean, can you honestly tell me that you don’t feel anything for him?”

“Yes, I can say that I don’t feel anything for him. Remus, you’re it for me. There is no one else, there never will be—I don’t want there to be. You're my world, and I could never hurt you like that.” As he spoke, Sirius cupped a hand gently beneath Remus’ chin, lifting his head and drawing Remus’ eyes back to him.

“Don’t you get it, Sirius? You’ve already hurt me,” Remus said, pulling away from Sirius’ touch. “If you truly loved me you would’ve talked to me. You would have asked me before uprooting your life— _ our _ life—and moving across the world.”

“I know,” Sirius said sadly, no argument, no excuses. It was the first time he had owned up to the decisions he’d made. “I should have. I know I should have, and I wanted to. I just. . . I couldn’t.”

“Why?”

Sirius didn’t respond, his focus trailing off to something moving across the floor. Remus followed his gaze, his eyes just barely making out movement in the dark.

Picking up his flashlight, he slowly aimed it towards the movement, immediately wishing he hadn’t as the light fell on a particularly large spider making its way across the stone floor. Remus quickly jumped to his feet as the spider headed directly towards them.

It's alright,” Sirius assured him, pushing himself into a standing position, “that’s a huntsman spider. They’re not venomous—well, they are, but their venom poses no real danger to us—and they don’t attack unless provoked.” He took a few steps towards the spider, stomping his feet loudly as he did so. The arachnid responded by turning and scurrying in the opposite direction.

“We need to get out of here,” Remus insisted, adrenaline once again pumping itself through his bloodstream.

Sirius nodded, Remus suspected the gesture was more in understanding than agreement. “We can try and move the fallen rocks enough to get by, but I have a feeling it won’t be that easy.”

“Anything is better than just sitting here,” Remus responded, already heading towards the small entrance that would take them back out into the tunnel.

As Remus made his way back through the tunnel Sirius followed, his pace slower than usual. 

“Alright?” Remus called behind him.

“Yeah,” Sirius assured him as he picked up his pace, “just a little tired.”

Once they reached the collapsed wall, Sirius placed his pack on the ground and began to rummage through it. “Here, these are the only tools I brought,” Sirius said as he held out a hammer and chisel.

“You want us to chisel our way out?” Remus asked incredulously, taking the tools from Sirius’ outstretched hand.

“I want us to sit tight, but if it makes you feel better, we can chisel away at this wall until help comes.”

“Always the optimist,” Remus quipped as he began to work on freeing them.

He chipped away at the fallen boulder for what felt like hours, Sirius holding a flashlight and pointing out the best spots to work at, places where the connection between stones was vital. Load bearing areas that, if chipped away, could cause the fallen slab of stone to come loose.

“Babe, take a break,” Sirius insisted, holding out one of the bottles of water.

Remus wasn’t sure how long he had been working. It felt like days, but he had barely made a dent.

“How long has it been?” He asked, wiping sweat from his brow.

“Little over two hours.” Sirius replied as he leaned back against the wall, his body sliding slowly downwards until he was seated at the base of it.

Remus took a seat next to his boyfriend, opening his water bottle and taking a few sips as he did. The longer they sat, the more restless and fidgety Remus became. At first it was just picking at his nails, a habit he’d had since childhood, but eventually he began shaking his legs and looking around the tunnel anxiously.

“Hey,” Sirius said quietly, placing a hand gently on Remus’ restless legs, “it’s going to be alright.”

Remus nodded, unsure of what to say. Instead, he pushed himself off the ground and started back towards the collapse. “We should keep working.”

Sirius nodded and pushed himself off the ground as well. He made it about halfway to his feet before suddenly crashing back to the floor, bracing his fall with his hand at the last moment.

“Sirius!” Remus yelled, running back towards the other boy. He grabbed Sirius by the elbow and helped him lean back against the wall. “What is it?” He asked worriedly, searching the other boy for signs of injury.

“It’s nothing,” Sirius insisted, “I’ll be fine, just lost my balance for a second.”

Remus gave him a skeptical look as he began carefully running a hand over Sirius’ body, searching for wounds. As his hand grazed Sirius’ left side, the dark-haired boy winced involuntarily. “Nothing my ass,” Remus replied, lifting up Sirius’ shirt. A quick glance revealed a large, angry-looking bruise had begun to form.

Remus had seen a bruise like that before, the day of Sirius’ last midterm. Remus had arrived back at the apartment late in the evening to find Sirius had never come home. He spent frantic hours on the phone with James and Peter, trying to figure out where his boyfriend could be. Finally, long after the sun had set, he received a call from the hospital. The nurse on the other line told him Sirius had been hit by a reckless driver and thrown from his motorcycle. He’d broken two ribs and suffered internal bleeding, the evidence of which looked suspiciously similar to the forming bruise Remus was staring at now.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Remus demanded, worry and anger mingling together in his voice, the words nearly catching in his throat.

“Didn’t wanna worry you,” Sirius replied, shooting Remus a tired, lopsided grin.

“Well, you’ve done a bang-up job of that, haven’t you?”

Sirius didn’t respond, his eyes drifting off to the side.

“There’s something else, isn’t there?” Remus probed, his tone accusing.

“I’m fine,” Sirius repeated, avoiding the question. Remus just continued to stare at his boyfriend, who began to fidget nervously under his gaze. “Alright! I may have . . . hit my head during the quake.”

“May have?”

“Fine, I did hit my head. I’m fine though, I promise. I’m not even bleeding!”

“Sirius, neither one of us is stupid enough to believe that you’re fine. You probably have a concussion. You should have told me!”

“I didn’t see the point. It’s not like we can do anything about it while we’re stuck in this cave anyways.”

“That’s not the point!” Remus yelled angrily, causing Sirius to flinch.

“I’m sorry. It’s just. . . you were already scared. . . I didn’t want to make you even more worried. I didn’t think the injury was that serious, and I didn’t see the point in making a fuss when we clearly have bigger concerns.”

Remus scrubbed a hand across his face in frustration. Looking at Sirius now, he’s amazed he didn’t notice something sooner. His skin had taken on a pale, clammy pallor and he looked tired.

“It’s alright,” Remus assured him. “You should try to get some rest.”

Sirius nodded and leaned his head against Remus’ shoulder. It didn’t take long before Sirius was asleep, and Remus set an alarm on his watch to go off in an hour so that he could wake the other boy and make sure his concussion wasn’t worse.

As Sirius slept, Remus let his mind wander. He found himself thinking of the way things used to be between them. They hadn’t shared many classes at college, only a few gen eds, so they had decided to share an apartment instead. The first place they got together was a small, dingy flat a few blocks from campus. There was no A/C and the pipes were old and loud. By the time their lease had ended they couldn’t wait to leave that place. Still, even though it was a crummy apartment, it had been home for a time. After all, that was where Sirius first told Remus about his parents—about how they treated him and about how they had kicked him out of the house when he told them he was gay. It was where they’d shared their first kiss, sitting on the loveseat late at night, some horror movie playing on the tv in the background. Perhaps most importantly, it was where Sirius had first asked Remus to be his boyfriend. 

As he sat on the cold damp floor of the cave now, Remus would give anything to be back at that flat right now, hand in hand with Sirius, to know where they stood with each other and how they were both feeling on any given day. He missed the way things used to be—he missed Sirius.

\---

The irritating beep of Remus’ wristwatch jostled the sandy-haired boy from a light sleep. As he rubbed his eyes and clicked off the alarm, Remus found himself wondering when he had drifted off to sleep. He turned toward Sirius, who was asleep on the ground next to him, and lightly shook his shoulder.

Sirius, a notoriously light sleeper, woke with a start.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright. It’s just me. It’s Remus,” Remus said, repeating the words several times as Sirius dragged his mind from the fog of sleep into waking consciousness.

“Re?” Sirius blinked up at his boyfriend tiredly, eyes taking a moment to focus in the dim light cast by the flashlight Remus had placed on the ground between them. “What time is it?”

“Nearly 2 am,” Remus responded with a quick glance at his watch. “How do you feel?”

Sirius opened his mouth to respond, but before he could speak Remus cut him off, “And don’t even think about lying.” Sirius closed his mouth, thinking for a moment.

“My head is killing me and it’s getting a little harder to breathe, but I’m alright. I promise,” he said, making a crossing motion over his heart as he said it.

“Do you know your name?” Remus asked.

Sirius rolled his eyes but, after a stern glance from Remus, said, “my name is Sirius Orion Black. You are Remus John Lupin, and we are currently sitting in a cave.” Though he had been going for humor, the dark-haired boy simply sounded tired.

“Good,” Remus said, “now get some more rest.”

Sirius leaned back against the wall, letting his eyes drift shut, and for a moment Remus thought he had fallen back asleep, until he began to speak again.

“I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for what?” Remus asked, confused at the sudden admission.

For everything?” Sirius began. “I should have talked to you about the offer, and about the fears that kept me from coming to you in the first place.”

“. . .What do you mean?” Remus asked tentatively, afraid to say the wrong thing for fear of halting the conversation in its tracks.

“I know you think I didn’t talk to you because I don’t love you enough to care about what you thought, but in truth it’s the exact opposite. I love you so much that it scares me sometimes. I knew that if I told you about the offer and you asked me not to take it I wouldn’t. This job is my dream, Re, but despite that. . .if you had asked me to. . . I would’ve given it up. I was paralyzed by my fear, so instead of talking to you I accepted the position on impulse.” By the time he had finished speaking Remus could see tears welling up in his boyfriend’s eyes, ready to spill over at any moment.

“I would never have asked you to abandon your dream,” Remus said quietly. He looked up to meet Sirius’ eyes as the other boy smiled sadly at him.

“You wouldn’t have to, not in so many words. Maybe you wouldn’t have asked me to stay, but there’s a part of you that would’ve wanted to. I was afraid that if I saw the disappointment on your face as you told me to follow my dreams, I would stay just to spare you feeling that way. I was a coward, still am really, and it was easier to tell you knowing that the decision had already been made. . . knowing that I couldn’t change my mind.”

Remus didn't respond for a minute, attempting to sort through the jumble of thoughts and emotions flying through his mind like an out of control freighter. Finally, he grabbed hold of the only string he could see in the speeding mass. “Would staying really have been so bad?” His voice cracked as he asked the question, despite his best effort to remain steady.

Sirius looked away at that, casting his eyes to the floor. Remus waited patiently for a response, unsure whether he even really wanted to know the answer.

“Staying wasn’t what worried me,” Sirius said after a moment.

When it was clear that he wasn’t going to elaborate, Remus decided to push the matter. “Then what was?”

“I wasn’t afraid to stay, but I would have been staying for you, and I worried that I would regret it later. I was afraid that if I stayed for you and regretted it afterward, that regret would eventually turn into resentment. You don’t deserve that.” Sirius shook his head, frustrated with the way the conversation was going. “Look, I know it sounds like I’m trying to shift blame to you, but I’m not. I know that these are my problems, that everything that went wrong between us was my fault, I’m not knocking that. I’m just trying to give you the explanation you deserve.”

Remus nodded, not sure what else to say. After a few moments he opened his mouth to speak but was promptly cut off when Sirius began to cough violently.

The coughing started suddenly and lasted more than a minute, leaving Sirius gasping for breath as Remus scrambled to find a bottle of water, handing the drink to Sirius as he attempted to catch his breath.

Sirius took a long swig from the water bottle and cleared the residual phlegm from his throat. He looked spent, the bout of coughing having zapped the last of his energy. 

“You should get some more rest,” Remus suggested quietly, gently taking the water bottle from Sirius’ hands and guiding him back to lean against the wall. Sirius just nodded and closed his eyes, falling asleep within minutes.

\---

“This bruise on your side is getting worse,” Remus said a few hours later, having again woken Sirius up to check on the status of his concussion, “I think you may be bleeding internally.”

“Makes sense,” Sirius said, not sounding surprised.

“If they don’t find us soon. . .” Remus began, unwilling or unable to finish the thought.

“It’s nearly dawn,” Sirius said as he checked his wristwatch, “they’ll have noticed we’re missing by now. Minnie has probably already organized them into teams and sent them out searching.”

“I’m going to keep digging,” Remus said, pushing himself off the ground and heading towards the blockage once again. It had taken all of his self-control to wait until morning, but as the hours had ticked by he could feel his skin beginning to crawl. Not long ago, he had begun to feel the sweat trickling down his back, brought on by growing panic.

“Remus,” he heard Sirius call, but he ignored him, entirely focused on the task at hand.

A moment later he felt a hand on his shoulder. “Re, it’s pointless,” Sirius said, his words barely a whisper. Turning to look at his boyfriend, Remus could see the strain that just moving from the floor to Remus’ side had put on his already weak body.

“You should sit back down,” Remus said worriedly, snaking an arm around Sirius’ waist to help support him. They walked slowly back towards the wall, Sirius sticking out an arm to brace himself once they had reached it.

“We can’t just sit here and wait,” Remus pressed, taking in the sickly color of Sirius’ face, the slight sheen of his skin.

“There’s nothing else we  _ can  _ do,” Sirius said calmly.

“Aren’t you scared?” Remus asked quietly after a moment. As he met Sirius’ eyes he was greeted by a tender, caring warmth. Looking beneath the surface, however, Remus could just make out the ghostly glint of pain, lurking in the background.

Sirius made tracks with his fingers in the dust at his feet, turning away from Remus’ gaze as he responded, “of course I’m scared, I’m terrified. I-I don’t want to die trapped in this cave. . . but focusing on those thoughts doesn’t help anything, so I choose to remain optimistic.”

As Sirius spoke, Remus could just make out the fear and worry on his face, which he kept turned down towards the ground.

“Hey,” Remus said, gently taking Sirius’ chin in his hand and tilting his head up so that their eyes met, “you’re not dying down here. Not if I have anything to say about it.”

Sirius stared at him for a moment, one eyebrow raised quizzically, before nodding.

Remus reached out and grabbed the backpack sitting closest to them, pulling out the energy bars Sirius had packed the day before. “Here, you need to eat something,” he said, holding two bars out for Sirius to take.

Sirius took the bars with a grateful smile, ripping one open and eating it with haste, though he tried to pace himself. As he finished the first he glanced up to see Remus watching him. “You need to eat too,” he insisted.

“I’m alright, we should conserve our resources.”

Sirius sighed and placed his second bar on the ground beside him, holding Remus’ gaze. “Fine then, but I’m not eating that until you eat something as well.”

Remus groaned in frustration. “You never do make things easy, do you?”

“Not if I can help it,” Sirius responded, his voice light. Remus wondered if their easy banter brought him some comfort, reminding him of home.

“Fine,” Remus said after several minutes. He opened a bar—attempting to hide a smile—and took a few bites, “happy now?”

Sirius smiled and picked up the one he had set on the ground beside him. “Yes.”

After they had finished eating, Remus decided to get a closer look at Sirius’ injuries, helping his boyfriend out of his shirt to examine the large bruise on his side. Little more than 12 hours later the bruise already looked much worse. The skin was an angry reddish-purple color and tender to the touch, as evidenced by the way Sirius grimaced if Remus’ hand so much as grazed the area in passing.

“How’s your breathing?” Remus asked.

“Hurts a bit, ‘specially if I take a deep breath, but it’s not too bad for now,” the other boy replied honestly.

“Good,” Remus sighed, helping Sirius back into his shirt. “If it gets worse, you need to tell me.”

Sirius nodded and leaned back against the wall.

Remus sat down beside him, looking him over. His shoulders were slightly rigid, his forehead creased. In an impulsive decision, Remus leaned over and kissed him lightly, their lips barely brushing together before coming apart again. Pulling back, Remus took Sirius’ hand in his, causing Sirius to turn his head, finally meeting Remus’ gaze. “You should have told me everything you were feeling when you got that offer,” Remus began, squeezing Sirius’ hand affectionately—encouragingly, “I know it’s scary to open up like that. I know it’s hard for you, but no matter what you’re feeling, I will always be here for you. We could’ve worked through those feelings together. . . saved ourselves a lot of heartache.”

Sirius let out a heavy sigh, “it’s so hard sometimes, Remus. I just keep waiting for you to figure out that I’m too broken, I’m not worth your time. Every time we fight, there’s a part of me that wishes you would just leave me and get it over with, but you don’t. You never do. Somehow, despite all the things I’ve done, you come back and we work through it. You help me work through it. I don’t deserve you.”

“I will  _ never  _ leave you, Sirius, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t also worry that you might leave me one day,” Remus said quietly, leaning forward to place a gentle kiss on Sirius’ forehead.

Sirius stared at him for a moment, eyes wide. “Remus, how could you think that I would ever leave you?” His voice shook slightly as he spoke, though Remus couldn’t quite place the emotion behind the words.

“You’re one of the most impulsive people I know. You leap without looking more often than you don’t and you’re constantly on the move. You seek out change as if you need it to survive. One day, I worry that you’ll realize how boring I am, stuck in my ways, and comfortable there. When you made that decision without talking to me I thought. . . I thought you’d finally realized that the thing holding you back. . . is me.” The words spilled out of their own accord, tired of being held back for so long. By the time he had finished speaking tears were rolling down Remus’ cheeks, but he no longer cared because the crushing weight was gone from his chest and everything was finally out in the open.

“Re,” Sirius said softly, using his thumb to brush tears off Remus’ face, “that couldn’t be farther from the truth. You don’t hold me back, not at all. To be honest, most of the time, I think you’re the only thing holding me together.”

Remus found himself laughing at that and Sirius just looked at him, one eyebrow raised in confusion. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to laugh, it’s just. . . we’re a couple of codependent messes, aren’t we?”

Sirius smiled and ran a shaky hand through Remus’ hair before leaning forward slightly to place a kiss on his boyfriend’s lips.

It was Remus who broke the kiss, pulling back to look at his boyfriend. “Just promise me one thing, okay?” He asked suddenly.

Sirius nodded as he leaned back against the wall, “anything.”

Remus didn’t speak for a moment, searching for the right words. When he turned back to look at Sirius, the other boy was leaning against the wall with his eyes closed. As Remus watched him, he noticed how shallow Sirius’ breathing had become.

“Talk to me,” Remus urged, “how are you feeling?”

Sirius didn’t respond at first and for one terrifying moment Remus thought he may have passed out, but eventually, he spoke.

“Getting. . . harder to breathe,” he said quietly, the words clearly taking a bit of effort. He cracked one eye open to look at Remus, wincing and quickly closing it again. “The light,” he began, trailing off in the middle of the thought.

“Too bright? Hurting your eyes?” Remus asked, reaching across the floor for the flashlight as he spoke. When, after a moment, Sirius nodded, he flipped the switch off, plunging the cave into total darkness. “Better?”

“A little.”

Another hour went by as they sat quietly in the darkness, Sirius resting his head on Remus’ shoulder, taking slow focused breaths, as Remus stared down at his wristwatch, watching time tick by one second at a time.

“I’ve gotta turn the light back on for a few minutes,” Remus warned his boyfriend after an hour had passed. When he switched the flashlight on he saw Sirius wince and shut his eyes. “I’m sorry,” he said, “but I need to check on that bruise again.”

Sirius nodded in understanding as Remus carefully lifted up his shirt. The bruise had become much larger in the past few hours—darker too.

“How’s it. . . how’s it look?” Sirius asked breathlessly.

“It’s not good,” Remus sighed, pulling Sirius’ shirt back down, “I don’t know how much longer you have without medical attention.” He could feel the panic welling up inside him, threatening to spill over. They needed to get out of this cave, they needed to do it now.

“Hey,” Sirius whispered, reaching out to take Remus’ hand in his, “look at me.”

Remus turned his head slowly to meet Sirius’ eyes, open despite the light still shining and trained on Remus. “We are not dying down here. I promise.”

Remus nodded and took in a shaky breath, trying to alleviate the swirling mass of anxiety pushing at the seams of his composure. “You need to rest.”

Sirius nodded, letting his eyes drift closed as Remus reached across the ground and turned the flashlight off once again.

\---

Remus let out a small groan as he stretched out his stiff limbs. Turning, he looked Sirius over for a moment. The dark-haired boy was asleep against the cave wall, as he had been for the past few hours. They were approaching the 24-hour mark, which meant that any searches being conducted for them would likely be called off for the night.

Over the past 12 hours, Sirius’ condition had become increasingly worse, his breathing becoming more and more shallow. With every passing hour, Remus’ concern grew to worry and, eventually, anxiety. As Sirius slept, Remus once again began to chip away at the blocked wall. By now he knew it wouldn’t do much good, but the repetitive action of striking chisel against stone was the only thing standing between him and a complete breakdown, so he kept at it.

He wasn’t sure how long he’d been working at the wall when he heard Sirius groan and begin to shift. Remus promptly dropped his tools and made his way over to where Sirius was sitting.

“Try not to move too much,” he said, placing a hand gently on Sirius’ shoulder to still him. “How do you feel?”

“Like I got. . . bested by. . . a chunk of limestone,” Sirius whispered between breaths, looking up at Remus with a tired grin. Seeing the worry plastered on Remus’ face, he tried for a more serious answer, “I’ll be. . . alright. Just tired.”

Remus held out a half-empty bottle of water. “You should keep drinking, you’ve probably lost a lot of blood.”

Sirius shook his head calmly. “We need to. . . conserve resources,” he said, parroting Remus’ words from the day before.

“No amount of resource conservation is going to help you if you’re dead,” Remus pointed out, handing Sirius the water bottle. He couldn’t fault Sirius for worrying. After all, they had already gone through half of their supplies. Still, keeping Sirius alive was Remus’ top priority, he just had to hope the others would find them before they ran out of water.

The blood pooling in Sirius’ chest was starting to compress his lungs, making it increasingly difficult for him to take in enough air. If the bleeding didn’t stop soon, Remus worried he’d have to find a way to drain it before Sirius could suffocate, lungs crushed by the force of it all. It was a last resort, one Remus hesitated to turn to as it would require making a cut for the blood to drain through, exposing Sirius’ already weakened body to all the germs and bacteria likely to be floating around in the stale cave air.

“You should get some more rest,” Remus said as Sirius twisted the cap back onto the water bottle and placed it on the ground beside him.

Sirius nodded and leaned back against the wall, assuming the same position he’d been sitting in for the better part of the last day. Remus settled in beside him, setting an alarm on his watch to wake him up in a couple of hours to check on Sirius.

The third time Remus woke up to check on Sirius he knew right away that something was different. The cave seemed. . . quieter. Remus grabbed for the flashlight lying on the ground and turned it on frantically, pointing the light in Sirius’ direction. To his relief, Sirius was still breathing, but his breaths had become impossibly shallow, chest barely rising and falling at all. Remus leaned over and lifted Sirius’ shirt. Although he was careful, Remus was still surprised that Sirius wasn’t roused at all. The bruising on his side was worse, more swollen than it had been mere hours before.

“Sirius,” Remus said, lightly shaking his boyfriend's shoulder. When Sirius didn’t wake Remus began to call his name louder. Still, nothing. He continued getting louder until he found himself shouting. Only then did Sirius move. With a quiet groan, the dark-haired boy turned his head. Remus was barely able to catch a glimpse of Sirius’ grey irises before his eyes were closed again and he was still.

“Shit.”

Remus picked up the first aid kit, searching for anything sharp enough to cut. Near the bottom of the container, he found a sterile wrapped scalpel. He grabbed his travel-sized hand sanitizer and cleaned his hands, then slipped on a pair of gloves from the kit.

As he bent over his boyfriend, Remus felt the panic within him break the surface. Was he really going to do this? Cut into his boyfriend in the middle of a dark, damp cave? But what choice did he have?

Remus swallowed his fear and took a deep, steadying breath as he brought the blade to Sirius’ side, making a small incision before he had time to change his mind. He had just enough approximate knowledge of human anatomy to avoid hitting anything important, but beyond that, he was cutting blind and hoping for the best.

As blood began to flow out of Sirius and onto the ground his breathing began to slowly improve. Remus watched, mesmerized, as a crimson river began to flow across the floor of the cave, slowly widening until it had become a lake, a sea of glistening red.

About an hour later, Remus began to rummage in the kit for bandages, figuring that by now enough blood had drained from Sirius’ chest for him to breathe, and continuing to leave the wound exposed would do more harm than good.

As Remus finished bandaging the area he felt Sirius’ body shift beneath his hands.

“Re?” The injured boy asked, voice barely more than a hoarse whisper.

“Hey, it’s me, I’m right here,” Remus said, cupping Sirius’ cheek gently with one hand. “Thank God you’re awake. I thought. . . I thought I’d lost you.”

“I’m sorry. . . for scaring you,” Sirius responded quietly as Remus sat down beside him. Sirius leaned over and rested his head on Remus’ shoulder. His breathing was still shallow, still labored, but Remus had bought them at least a few hours. He had to hope that that was enough.

Remus leaned down to kiss the top of Sirius’ head. “It’s nearly sunrise,” he said, glancing at his watch, “they’ll be out looking for us soon. They’ll find us.” He forced as much confidence into his words as he could muster, but even then he didn’t believe them.

“Remus,” Sirius whispered after many minutes of silence.

“Hm?”

“You wanted to. . . ask me something. . . the other day. A promise.”

Remus shook his head. “Don’t worry about that now, it’s not important,” he assured him.

“Tell me. . . please?” Sirius begged, and Remus couldn’t stand to disappoint him.

“I just want you to promise me that you’ll try. From now on, even if something scares you, even if it’s hard, just talk to me. Whatever it is, we’ll get through it. We have to share our feelings with each other. Not just the good ones, the bad ones too. That’s the only way this works. Promise me you’ll try,” he said, looking down at Sirius to find Sirius looking up at him.

“I promise. . . I’ll try. . . to share. . . everything with you. The good. . . the bad. . . and especially the ugly.”

Remus smiled down at his boyfriend as a stray tear escaped and rolled down his face.

“I love you,” Sirius said quietly, focus beginning to drift.

“I love you too,” Remus said as he placed another kiss atop Sirius’ head.

“Remus?” Sirius asked again, even quieter this time.

“What is it?” Remus asked, absently carding a hand through Sirius’ hair.

“I don’t—I don’t want to die here. . . I’m scared.”

“I know, I am too, but we’ll make it through this, just like we make it through everything: together.”

Sirius nodded as he closed his eyes and fell asleep, head still resting on Remus’ shoulder.

Just as Sirius drifted off, Remus could swear he heard a sound. A few moments passed and he heard it again, this time a bit more clearly. It was a voice, calling out their names.

“We’re here!” Remus called frantically, “We’re trapped!”

He heard footsteps echoing through the cave, louder and louder until they were just on the other side of the stone wall blocking the tunnel. “Sit tight,” the voice said, drifting through the cracks, “we’re gonna get you out.”


End file.
